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ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM STOP THIS IS NOT A TEST STOP THIS IS NOT THE EIGHTH RANT STOP THIS IS THE NINTH RANT STOP IT WILL NOT BE SHORT STOP IT WILL BE ACCURATE STOP STOP SAYING STOP STOP STOP IT STOP I'M WARNING YOU STOP THE EIGHTH RANT WILL BE ABOUT HOW I KILLED MY TYPIST WHO KEEPS TYPING THE WORD STOP STOP STOP IT RIGHT NOW I MEAN IT STOP OKAY YOU ASKED FOR IT STOP


...Ahem... Ladies and Gentlemen, and Randy, this is indeed the ninth rant, not the eigth. There is a very good reason for this, but I'm not going to tell you it. Suffice it to say there will be an eighth rant, and quite possibly a twelfth. Perhaps even numbers ten and eleven, I don't know yet. But there will definitely be a thirteenth, because I must write one. Hey, it's number thirteen, right?

So a funny thing happened on the way to Richmond Hill. We were attacked by a Joyee. She spells her name funny. JOYEE. As opposed to JOY or JOEY, or JOWEE which would sound the same, but be spelled like Joe WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Anyways, I was talking about Richmond Hill. But I'm actually not, because I'm not at that part of the rant yet.

You see, our intrepid tale begins on monday, in the Comfy, where so many of mine do. Brandon walked in with Marcus and... someone... that's probably important, if I remember who it was I'll add it in later. Anyways, Brandon happened to be giving me a massage on friday... I think... I don't remember. Anyways, that was thursday... or was it wednesday... I remember my back started hurting monday, and I didn't go to school for class tuesday, I went to get a massage from Brandon because Melissa and Jonathan gave up. So Brandon and I were talking... I have a cousin named Brandon. He climbs stuff. I used to climb stuff. I climbed a wall unit. Then my parents had it sent away so I couldn't climb it. I think I was mentally stunted for life from that. Anyways, Brandon and I were talking about cars, he bet his car was in worse shape than mine. Obviously, Brandon has not read my seventh rant. I bet him a movie night that my car was in worse shape. Clearly, I won.

You see, our intrepid tale begins on monday, in the Comfy, where so many of mine do. Brandon walked in with Marcus and... someone... that's probably important, if I remember who it was I'll add it in later. Anyways, Brandon happened to be giving me a massage on tuesday, and then the following monday, which would be yesterday except that it's now wednesday technically, so it's really two days ago, but I haven't slept yet, so that would make today tuesday and my talking to Brandon sunday... weird, huh? Anyways, Brandon happened to mention offhand that he got the van to replace his car until his car got fixed. This is a very convenient thing for him to say. As opposed to a convent thing to say, which is totally different...in that I have no idea what it would mean. Probably something about deflowering nuns. Actually the first nunneries were whore houses for the prists and monks. Just don't walk up to a nun on the street and ask how good the last guy who ate her out was.

You see, our intrepid tale begins on monday, or sunday, in the Comfy, where so many of mine do. Brandon walked in with Marcus and... someone... that's probably important, if I remember who it was I'll add it in later. Anyways, Brandon happened to mention on monday (or sunday) that he had a van for a while. This is very convenient for me, since I had a loveseat I wanted to bring out to Waterloo, which I couldn't reasonably fit in the back of Jenny's car. I did get an armchair in her trunk though. It came in seven pieces. I only brought six of them. Sitting in an armchair that doesn't have anything to hold up the front of it can be fun. So I ended up requisitioning Brandon and his van for tuesday, which is today or yesterday, depending how you look at it.

So a funny thing happened on the way to Richmond Hill. We were attacked by a Joyee. She spells her name funny. JOYEE. As opposed to JOY or JOEY, or JOWEE which would sound the same, but be spelled like Joe WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Anyways, I was talking about Richmond Hill. But I'm actually not, because I'm not at that part of the rant yet.

Tuesday, I got to Comfy after making lunch through my class. I did this at home, because it's much easier to cook on a stove when there is one present. I got to the front of Comfy, and saw Joyee sitting outside. We determined that neither of us had any idea where Brandon was. So I went to the bathroom, and found him... that sounded bad, let me try again. So I went to the bathroom, and found him on the way back to Comfy. He wanted me to go to South Campus Hall with him before leaving. And I said no. And he said please. And I said "are you coming back from a place where nobody likes you?" And he said "Yes, and then I woke up and found out nobody likes me here, either." So I went to SCH with him, where I spent way too much money. On 3 books. None of them were textbooks. One was a $109.95 very limited edition copy of The Hobbit. There are only 2,500 of them in existence, and I have one of them. So then we went back to Comfy to retrieve our stuff.

So a funny thing happened on the way to Richmond Hill. We were attacked by a Joyee. She spells her name funny. JOYEE. As opposed to JOY or JOEY, or JOWEE which would sound the same, but be spelled like Joe WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Anyways, I was talking about Richmond Hill. But I'm actually not, because I'm not at that part of the rant yet. Wait a minute, I am. No more reusing text for me.

So a funny thing happened on the way to Richmond Hill. We were attacked by a Joyee. We told her we were going to Toronto, and she said "I want to come with." So she came with. She wanted to see Steve, and that's what we told her. But before going to Richmond Hill, we went to my house in Waterloo. Well, really Melissa and Jonathan's, but it takes up a lot less space to say my. Man, that was a very ungramattical sentence. And that one had a spelling error. That one didn't actually have anything wrong with it, but it was very useless. This sentence is unrelated to the last sentence, except for topic and subject matter. We stopped by the house so I could pick up some CDs and tell everyone I wouldn't be home for dinner. And we were off!

After listening to some Great Big Sea, because we have very good ears and could hear it, I put in some Tanglefoot. All of Tanglefoot's songs are about real events, or inspired by them. Like one about a floating bridge. You see, north of Peterborough, there used to be an old wooden floating bridge joining the narrows in Chemong Lake. Back when people had to walk across the narrows, this bridge did the job nicely. But then technology developed, and people tried driving cars across the bridge. Well, this didn't work, because the bridge sank. Not all the way though, only to the axles. So you couldn't actually see the bridge ahead of you, you just had to use the Force and guess at where you thought it was. So after enough people drove off the side of this bridge, the town decided they had to do something. And they did the most reasonable thing they could think of. They called the Priest to bless the bridge. However, being a man of temperence and reason, he also took the time to put a curse on all the whiskey and booze in the town. So what would happen if someone tried to take some whiskey across the bridge?

So after we dropped Joyee off with Steve, and Brandon discovered he could desroy his pinky finger and put it back in joint (this was after he went to the bathroom, and got sent back in to close the lid so the cat couldn't jump in and flush itself), we continued the drive to Richmond Hill, the song "Angel of Long Point" played off the CD. Long Point is off Lake Superior, it's a point of land extending 15 km into the Lake. A very, long... point. Clearly an original name. Living on the Point many years ago, before the bottom was mapped out, was Abigail Becker, a seven foot tall behemoth of a Woman (I capitalized taht just for joyee) who would go out to rescue sailors when they were caught in bad storms, or on the bottom of the lake, since it wasn't very deep. The song is about the crew of the Hector, who had to decide, after tying themselves to the rigging, between dying and letting the Woman save them. Well, Brandon pointed out that the ship was doomed from the start, since it was called Hector.

You see, ships are usually given a woman's name for luck. Now, either this ship was named after a man, and had it coming to it to get caught along Long Point, or it was named after a woman named Hector, and deserved to go down on principle. How badly would you have to fight to get a ship named Hector? "Name this ship the Hector, or I'll take a knife to the keel and sink it myself." "Please name it Hector, after my girlfriend, she's never had anything named after her before." ("There's a reason for that, her name is HECTOR, and nobody's dumb enough.) We could really turn some heads if I said I was going out with a Hector for 8 months, and then show up with her at my door. "Um... he's a guy." ("Oh, you noticed that did you? What, did the breasts give it away?") That song has never been so funny.

So we collected the couch without incident, mostly... climbing backward into the front seat from the back seat while pulling on a loveseat can be fun. On the way back from Richmond Hill, we decided almost spontaneously to stop in on Brandon's girlfriend Michelle, at U Guelph. Guelph is not a University. Guelph is a sound you make when you throw up. Guelph. It's not even fun to say. Now, Borealis, that's fun to say. That's the record label Tanglefoot record for. It's an all-Canadian all-Celtic all the time label. Brandon hit his head four times while we were there. Twice on Michelle's wall, while lying on her bed. Michelle's hot. I'd do her. She wouldn't do me though. Or Brandon, for that matter. He's not going to get any sex for years, and his penis is going to fall off from lack of use. You can use sexual inuendoes around Michelle, and they'll go miles over her head. When we left, I said "Lickety slit," and the only person who got it was Brandon. But he's not going to for a long time. Michelle is one of those perfectly pure people. She just emenates an aura that says "This is me." She's a virgin, too. People are placing bets on how long it'll take Brandon to deflower her, and start having sex every couple days with her. So far the longest time period is four months. My bet is on multiple years. Or never. That's because I plan to deflower here myself, and take away his ability to do that. Heh, heh, heh... crap, did that make it in to the rant? I really have to start editing my thoughts.

So we got off 86 on King, and went to a gas station on Weber. All the time back Brandon's been looking in the rear view mirror and hearing the Da Da Da song. We pulled the van in to the gas station, and the attendant kept looking out at the van and couch. This was while Brandon was able to put no more than 10 cents of gas at a time into the tank, for reasons beyond our comprehension. Lots of things are beyond my comprehension. If Aliens are of a superior intellect, why do they keep abducting the stupidest people on the planet? Now, before we left for Richmond Hill I hijacked Brandon's Watcard to buy a coke. I now had this empty coke bottle with me. I decided to have fun with the gas attendant in his booth. I pulled up the bottle, set it purposefully on the dash, closed my hands in front of me, bowed to the bottle, and spent the next five minutes sitting in front of the bottle and praying to it.

When Brandon went in to pay for the gas, the attendant asked what was up with me, if I'd be okay. Without missing a beat, Brandon, who had seen what I was doing, said "Yeah, he'll be okay, he just had a really bad Acid trip (I'm up to an uncountably infinite number now)." So the gas attendant asked where we were, and Brandon said "A rave in Toronto." Then the gas attendant asked why there was a couch in the back, and Brandon said "Well, we found it in the back alley of the rave, and he wanted to keep it. He just had a really bad acid trip, and I didn't want him jumping me or anything, so we put it in the back of the van." The attendant asked what we were going to do with it, and Brandon said "I don't know, probably leave it at his house, I'm taking him home right now. He'll probably wake up tomorrow and phone me asking 'dude, why is there a couch in front of my house on its side? That's wrong...'" When Brandon got back in the van and we were driving away, he told me all about this, and I said I had to write a rant about this. I have to remember to do that.

So anyways, we finally got the loveseat to the house, with the front piece of the chair, and the bottle of Ginger Beer I left on sunday (or monday) when I came back in with Jenny. Mike has been deathly ill, in that he's ill and looks like the walking dead, and Melissa was rubbing Vicks Vaporub on him. ...Yes, this is relevent... ...Yes, I misspelled relavent in this sentance or the last... Anyways, we got the armchair fully set up, and the loveseat set up except for the back cushions, and we started sitting down in the loveseat. And everyone discovered that the loveseat enjoys eating the people who sit on it. In the bad way. Brandon leaned back and hit his head on the back of the couch. That was immediately after I asked him to go get the other pillows. I could describe the events that led to Melissa saying Brandon and I look like a cute couple, but I won't. I don't remember them. It involved tickling and picking on Brandon, and getting Jonathan downstairs.

So we were getting up finally to leave, and Brandon said to Mike "Come here, I want to sniff you." So naturally I said "Mike, assume the position." Brandon doubled over laughing, and was tipped onto the floor by Mike, who wasn't fazed in the least. Brandon fell down on the floor laughing, hit his head on the floor, rolled over twice, hit his head two more times. Mike and I were both laughing so hard we were crying. Actually Brandon was too. And all this because I said to Mike to Assume The Position.

So Brandon and I went to Williams to pick up computer hardware. We decided to eat while we were there. He bought me lasagna and French Onion Soup. That spells FOS. Close to FASS. Everyone should go to FASS. When he paid 18 cents for my water, and I'd drunk most of it, he pretended to pour salt in it. I poured pepper in it and swooshed it around. Then I drank it. It was so bad that I couldn't just leave the water where it was, in the cup, I had to exile it to the floor. This was after Brandon realized that eating ice cream when you have an ice cream headache was unproductive. So Brandon grabbed the salt shaker, and pretended to pour some on the water on the floor. I grabbed the pepper shaker and did pour some on the floor. Then I poured some salt on the floor. Then I grabbed the sugar and made a happy face on the floor. But the left eye was on the water, and the sugar dissolved in the water. I tried very hard to give the face a left eye once again, but to no avail. Now when they clean up the floor they won't see a smiley face, they'll see two circles and a line.

So the night finally came to an end, or at least it will after I wake up. Am I asleep. Was I dreaming? Had I been going to bed earlier, waking up later? Had I been Tyler longer and longer? Wait, that's not me. That's ...the guy from Fight Club. Good movie. So's Princess Bride. Michelle hasn't seen Princess Bride. She's deprived. Brandon and I want to remake the entire Princess Bride movie around campus, so we can have the line "Hcallo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You took my parking spot. Prepare to die." And we can have some bald guy always saying something dumb, like "Well paint my ass and call me your lovemuffin." Or "Well suck my balls." Or "Guess that makes me a lesbian." "You always say that. I do not think it means what you think it means." We were talking about people leaving other people for people of the same sex before going to Williams. Is that an awkward sentence. Jonathan knew some people back home who were going out with each other for something like four years, then broke up, and she started going out with his best friend, then after two weeks broke up with him because she's a lesbian, and he flipped and became a transvestite for a year and a half.

So a funny thing happened on the way to Richmond Hill. We were attacked by a Joyee. She spells her name funny. JOYEE. As opposed to JOY or JOEY, or JOWEE which would sound the same, but be spelled like Joe WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Anyways, I was talking about Richmond Hill. But I'm actually not, because I'm not at that part of the rant yet. Wait, I'm past that part of the rant. Wait, I'm past all of the rant. I better stop typing. Well, stop typing. Come on, you're done, stop typing. Just hit the send button, will you?


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